It’s still hard to find the exact words to explain what’s going on and how I’m actually feeling. In the end, a whole bunch of gibberish sums it all.
I’m glad we met. Never really talked much or chilled. Kind of unexpected how we started, but I like how we turned out. I feel like our conversations flow. We have plenty in common, but I like our differences. It makes things real fun and interesting. It’s great that I’m getting to know you better every day. You should ask me some more questions. I think you’re awkwardly weird in a good way. You’re admirable and sweet. I like your determination. Your morals soften me up. I’m happy that we’re on the same page.
I find it hard to cope with my family when they assume I can’t pull through. I think I have the potential and the determination to do something if I wanted to. It’s just that I want their support and understanding with me. It would be better because not only would they believe in me, but I would believe in myself even more and it would push me even further to do better. I take their opinion into consideration, but I would love it if they could just hear me out and take mine. I feel like every time I mention something I’d want to do, they shoot it down right away without thinking it through. I know they’re only thinking about what’s best for me and so do I, which is why I want to confirm it with them. It just really hurts to not have them believe that I’m not capable of doing so and that they automatically think that it’s an excuse. They’ve raised me better than that. If only they could believe in that themselves.
My best friend is currently on her way to the Philippines. I know she’s been wanting to go and she finally got the chance to. So for the past week, she’s been going home and packing. I didn’t really get to spend time with her, but it’s cool. She’ll only be gone for a week. I love my best friend and we spend a lot of time together, but we’ve had times where we just don’t hang out at all. I guess it’s just different because this time, she’s on the other side of the world. Haha! So I told her to call me before she leaves and she did. :) I love her so much.
I hope you have a safe trip there! Have fun and relax, but keep in mind you have some homework to do. I’ll, hopefully, be reading your blogs if you post them up. E-mail, twitter, or chat with me on aim if possible. Just want to make sure you’re safe and having a good time. I miss you! Talk to you soon! Love you.
Lately, I’ve been trying to spark the motivation within me to catch some sort of inspiration. I even tried doing something artsy and crafty, but ended up disliking the results and failed. I’ve come across many people and traveled to different places, but I haven’t in a while. I think it’s time to go on another trip and reel me in something fresh. I wonder what I’ll catch and what can become of it. :)
You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you’re the first to say “let’s go”!
You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.
You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don’t mind giving someone a second chance.
You have high neuroticism. It’s easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You’ll try almost anything interesting, and you’re constantly pushing your own limits. A great admirer of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.
I think one of the easiest ways to push me away would be to expect too much from me. I am who I am and I serve my purpose of being just me. I cannot fill the role of your mother, nor would I ever want to. Some people have to start learning how to live on their own without having to leech on another person or a whole group. I mean, I will always be there for my friends, family, and significant other, no doubt. However, I am my own person with my own set of struggles. You face yours, I face mine. I will guide you but I cannot do it for you. Why don’t you get that?
Your expectations and dependency is overwhelming. I cannot be the only strong one for both of us. One of the gifts I’ve been granted is the ability to see the end before it comes. Unfortunately, not literally. What I mean is that I am able to weigh out the probabilities and by the time I’m done, I can determine the outcome. It’s never failed me because I refuse to ever regret my decisions.
Your childlike needs and expectations will only push everyone else away. Stand on your own because you have your own pair of legs. I can be your crutch but at some point, you’re going to have to do it by yourself. Trust me, your greatest achievements are ones you accomplish on your own.
I have this group of friends who are mainly older than me. I would say ranging from 19 and up. There are bits that are my age and some that are younger than me. Yet everyone seems to baby me. It’s understandable, being my brother’s little sister and being the one who grew up with this group the longest. They’ve always looked at me as their little sister and the “innocent” one. I mean, my friends have gone through some crazy trips and I’m not saying like they’re the only ones who have, but I haven’t. Why haven’t I? It’s because I’m the kind of person that likes to observe and gain knowledge from those who are experienced already. I tend to over analyze everything, question everything, and save myself from something I’d regret. Hence why I observe first. I’ve always been that way and so far, I can truly say I don’t regret anything. I’m looked at as innocent and inexperienced, but it’s because I choose to be. I’ve learned from others’ choices in life, whether they were over estimations or mistakes.
Being portrayed as the baby can be a good thing and sometimes a real bad thing. I understand that they’ve been through many positions that people my age come across. It’s natural, it’s growing up. The wise help the un-knowledgable. I get it. No matter how many times it’s been brought up, how many times people must go through it, it still leaves the fact that people want to go through certain obstacles in life on their own without the downers given. Speaking for myself, when I say “I know,” I really mean I know. I’ve lived the same way I have before and that is knowing beforehand what I’m getting myself into, understand the situation and the consequences for my choices. I know that they’re just protecting me, they care and love for me, and they just want to make sure I don’t make unnecessary mistakes as they did. But still, it comes back to being seen as the baby. Sometimes, they become overprotective and it feels like they push everything that might even be considered an experience away from me. They constantly give me advice that I’ve already come to learn. I, for one, get irritated when things are repeated. It makes me feel bad for anyone that even wants to come close to me because they have to go through this whole army called the baby lovers.
I’m thankful, I really am. It’s just that there are things I would like to go through without having to have their approvals in it. I want them to recognize that I’m really growing up and to trust me in the decisions I choose to make. I want them to believe in me that I know what I’m getting myself into and that I can handle it. I won’t take on something I know I can’t handle, I won’t get myself into a situation that I know would be out of my hands. I love and respect my friends, I do, I just need that space that defines my own needs.
I’m a hot mess. It makes me sound like I’m so conservative and I don’t take chances, which I know I need to. I need to take more risks in life, but I’ve been afraid of so many things that always pull me back. But I’m working on it, I’m easing everything in as much as possible. Step by step is how it’s been. I know I have to be more assertive, I need to speak out on what I really need. There’s a lot I need to work on, but I’m me, and I come with handfuls of flaws.
Nowadays, the reason why divorce rates are at an all time high isn’t because people are falling out of love, but because people are refusing to stand by their partners to work through their issues. They walk out of their marriage as soon as things get a little rough, because it’s now become, “too much to handle”. When you want to end something, there is no need to come up with a million excuses as to why you should end it. That’s unfair because you are now giving bullshit reasons that aren’t reasons at all. People lose feelings, it happens. Why? Because people grow too comfortable with where they are, so it lacks the excitement and chase. That’s also a phase in your relationship that you must overcome. I never seem to stick around long enough to see how progress. It’s almost impossible for two people to be hopeless romantics throughout the entire duration of the relationship. Sparks die and it’s up to you and your partner to rekindle it.
People are throwing out the “I hate you, I never want to be with you again” scenario out of their mouth more often then they are saying the gentle, “I love yous”. Our kindergarten teachers didn’t read to us the “Boy who cried wolf” for no reason. There was a moral behind it but for some reason, everyone’s forgotten about it. This is the United States of Amnesia. We forgot what we learned the day before because it now seems too unimportant.
Relationships and love isn’t what it used to be way back when. I oftentimes wonder what it would have been like if I was a female living in the 1940s, when most of my worries would be whether or not my lover-boy would come back from the war. When dancing with your partner didn’t mean you had to have a boner rubbing up your ass. When dates consisted of drive-thru theaters and cute little diners.
Friday, October 2nd was the day of our DBA Olympics. Because we had to perform a dance, I held practice everyday the event. Morning practices weren’t successful, but after school dances were. It took till Thursday to get everything down. In the end, we did great and had a blast at the Olympics.
Saturday, October 3rd:
Maria’s: Happy 18th birthday my love! Congrats on making the big one - eight. So, Kathleen, Christine, Tina, and I went to Stockton for our dear friend’s, Maria, birthday. Stockton is really nice. To add, the weather was perfect! We got there, met people, ate, and we performed our 18 candles. I was numero 3. Along that, the talented Tina and Christine sang Cater 2 U in their own version for her birthday. Amazing job, I must say. After the ceremony, we had to go back. Maria, come visit!
I ended up going to a kick it at my friend’s house…
Manry’s: was beyond out of control. At first, it was chill. It was a get together for everyone and turned out that graduates from MHS came. Caught up with them for a bit before they bounced. So, the kick it was good… until the ‘party’ began. Everyone ends up everywhere and me being sober, I started cleaning, cooking, and watching over anyone that wasn’t already being watched over. It got to the point where I was frustrated/irritated, but it’s all good. I handled myself well. Because no one was capable of being alone and drive home, I ended up staying there till 3:30 and arriving home at 4. I got myself in trouble, but I’m glad I did. This kick it pretty much showed me I don’t need this in my life at this moment. So, I grounded myself. No more for me. Manry loves me!
September 30th… To be honest, I’m happy everything happened the way it happened. I still wish there wasn’t so much stress on us, especially you. I’m surprised you’re even continuing with this, but I’m extremely thankful. I know everyone loves us and they just want us to be happy. Thank you for the slow pace, understanding, and care to get to know me. We’ve had a lot of fun times already, but I know there’s more. I can’t wait. :)
Monday, October 5th, I stayed home. I was still sick and I had some studying to do.
Tuesday, October 6th:
School: I had a field trip that day. I went to SF with my academy. ACADEMY OF ART! I think I’m for real going through with it. I’m excited! Literally, I walked in there and I was amazed by it. The trip was great, we visited museums, which had a lot of interesting pieces. I’m just awed and fascinated by it all.
Starbucks/AMF/Taco Bell/Q-Cup: I met up with my dear Chrisia, Joey, and my darling after school. We kicked it before Chrisia had to go to work. Then, I met up with Prince, Mama, Melissa, and Rheda at Starbucks. I was starving and plus Joey had a bowling game, so I went with them and ate at Taco Bell! Caught up with my darling there, so interesting :). We went back and I met new friends, which is linked to everyone else. Haha, typical. After the game, we went to Q-Cup to meet up with everyone again. I drew on napkins ^-^. Tehee. Went home, and knocked out after.
Wednesday, October 7th:
School: was the day I went back to school. I missed Friday, Monday, and Tuesday. Haha! So, it was pressuring me that I would have a lot of work, which I slightly do. Relieved it’s not a whole pile.
Practice: was surprising. I learned all the steps, pretty much have it down. James is my new partner! I guess Brian flaked out? :/ Don’t know, oh well. James is hilarious. Had fun practicing with him. The dance was pretty quick, but I think I’ll have it down by then.
I got picked up by Prince and Keith. We went to Union City to pick up Manry. Then, back to mi casa.
House: Everyone was there. It was a go away kick it for a few of my dears. Abby and Nate, I wish you a safe journey. I’m glad I’ll still be able to see you every week, I better ;). Mama, I hope you know I love you and I want you to travel wherever needed to make yourself a better person. I’m always here for you. Come visit once in a while, okay? Pretty much, it was just a real good day to chill. Parents were off gambling, Abby cooked food, Lena! came over and taught me another song on the guitar, and my darling was there :).
Yesterday, my day started off on the wrong foot. From morning till afternoon, I was pretty much lost. I had two accidents, cramping, wasn’t feeling good, and hungry. You get the picture. What was crazy was when I was having my mental adrenaline rush. Haha! Always a trip. So, I went to best’s house after school with Hannah. We ate pasta and pizza. So gooooood. Then we watched A Walk to Remember ^-^. Always a good movie to watch. Then Prince, Mama, Keith, and Kyle came to pick me up. We were hungry so we went to FoodMax to buy some groceries. Kyle, you’re an amazing cook. He made pork chops with a creamy mushroom sauce and some butter garlic shrimp. Heaaaven! Haha, I had a great food coma and went to bed.
- I had a great talk with my darling. I’m content with my life and I’m still searching for ways to exceed further. I’m excited to see how things go. I’m interested :)